What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 09:09
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
(And it was in our own minds.)
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She loved him until the end.
Would this be the day?
Is it true that all men want a woman who looks like an Instagram “model”?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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I said to her
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do leftists understand why young men are becoming more right-wing?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
This is soul school!.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I write beautiful poetry .
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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What did i know ?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
What is the problem between Turkey and Greece?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My family never makes their pension either.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
All the time i was locked up.
My life is so biszare .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
When she asked me how she looked .
She wouldn,t have been !
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot live in the past .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
But ive been too sick for many years..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I will be 64.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She found it foreign!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I think the readers, may guess!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Ive learnt so much.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She married twice! .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He knew the spot.
Im still living with it.
And i lived it daily.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Was to survive, this bastard.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
So whats the point in blame.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I waited trembling.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was scared of men, in general
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was seconnd youngest,
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Who then, do I blame.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I have no regrets .
We all went to grammer schools
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was in good health!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I could never make a relationship work though!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But it wasn’t much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!